The Art of the Rant

My favorite past time is constructing passionate monologues aimed toward people in my life. Sometimes they’re positive, like showing my true feelings for someone or expressing gratitude, but my real specialty is a blunt, degrading, insult-ridden attack that leaves the people in my mind dumbfounded.

Unfortunately, real life people “have opinions” and their “own point of view,” and seem to prefer some sort of dialogic interaction. (Baffling. And also really annoying.) I feel this type of conversation really diminishes the artistic value of my rants. I mean, they’re pretty good. For example, here’s one I’ve been mulling over all day:

I have a policy of not interacting with lying, game-playing man-boys who have yet to master the basic human values of respect, humility and integrity.

I’m usually unflinchingly critical of my own writing, but that’s a d#@% good sentence. And it boils down two months worth of angry text messages to my best friend in one hard-hitting, truly insulting thought. And that’s just nice, you know?

Blunt and brief. I believe Ernest would approve. (He probably would also suggest some absinthe and knife throwing, so I’m going to stop at his approval.)

Anyways, as much as I would like to type up all my inner rants and play a Jeopardy-esque game of “Guess the Schmuck,” I’m going to maintain some class and just keep writing them down for my memoir/angry Valentine’s Day singles parties–MY POINT IS: I’ve learned that you have to say at least SOME of the things you think. Maybe I won’t deliver my entire “Shame on You” speech to everyone who ticks me off, but I owe it to myself to speak my mind. Some may say you should keep most of these thoughts to yourself, but who will vocalize them if you don’t?

No one else is in your head. No one can speak up for your inner voice except you. Your inner voice’s only hope is that your physical voice is brave enough to let it out. Sure, it might be embarrassing. You might even end a few relationships. But YOU are the one that has to live with yourself, and you should be proud of the choices you make.

So speak up! Tell your family and friends how much they really mean to you. Tell that dim-witted, man-child to get over himself. And try your hardest to do it with impeccable prose; it always leaves them guessing.


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